


He Kindly Stopped For Me

by PuppiesRainbowsSadism



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-03
Updated: 2014-10-03
Packaged: 2018-02-19 18:06:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,473
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2397806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PuppiesRainbowsSadism/pseuds/PuppiesRainbowsSadism
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam dies on a hunt gone horribly wrong. Dean blames Cas -- he had the perfect chance to save Sam, after all. But Castiel can't explain to Dean why he let his little brother die.</p>
            </blockquote>





	He Kindly Stopped For Me

**Author's Note:**

> Title from one of Emily Dickenson's poems: "Because I could not stop for death / he kindly stopped for me."

                Dean grabs Cas by the lapels of his trenchcoat and shoves him up against the wall. Castiel does nothing to stop him. He stands there, numb, and takes the abuse, because he knows he deserves it.

                “ _You have to promise me.”_

“Why did you let him die?” Dean growls. By now, Cas knows that anger is Dean’s way of dealing with grief. At least, it’s his immediate reaction. Cas’s, apparently, is disconnection.

                “You had a chance to save him,” Dean continues, pulling Castiel back only to slam him against the wall again. His head is throbbing. There is probably blood. He couldn’t care less if he tried, if he wanted to. “You could have saved him. So why didn’t you?”

                _“Promise me, Cas._ ”

                “I thought you loved him,” Dean snarled, still furious, but now the sadness was getting through as well, his eyes beginning to glisten with tears, his voice starting to shake. “Goddammit, Cas, you were supposed to love him.”

                Castiel says nothing. He doesn’t acknowledge the implication that he should have died in Sam’s place.

                _“I mean I’d die for him.”_

_It was a phrase used often between the Winchesters and their small collection of friends, tossed around like rice at the wedding he and Sam never had. It was a casual statement, but no less meaningful or true._

_When Cas was still an angel, he even said it himself. “I’d die for you, Sam.” Because death for an angel was uncertain. No one was certain what happened when an angel died, whether they went somewhere fashioned just for them like Purgatory, or returned to God, or were scattered back to the universe they were created from. There were a million theories. And Cas meant it every time he said it. He would face that uncertainty for Sam, even if death meant he would cease to exist entirely, vanish from the universe without a trace. He would do it in a heartbeat._

                “I do love him,” Castiel murmurs, more to himself than in answer to Dean’s outrage. He is very aware that he used present tense. Because even though Sam was no longer with them, Castiel didn’t think he would ever stop loving him.

                _After Cas Fell, things changed. He thought about things he normally wouldn’t think about – most often about his own mortality. About Sam’s mortality. About the knowledge that, more than likely, one would die before the other, and the other would have to continue living with that loss._

_That’s when Cas says it for the first time: “I wouldn’t die for you.”_

_Sam immediately stiffens and tries to push Cas away to look at him properly. Cas knows he has offended Sam, so he clings tighter. He has to amend his mistake. “Let me explain. Please.”_

_Sam, still stiff, nods, and even though Cas can’t see it, he can feel it, the friction of Sam’s stubble against his neck as he’s buried his face there, most likely to hide how much he’s hurt._

_“I love you, Sam. So much. But . . . I’m mortal now, and I know what happens to humans after death. If you were to die, I don’t think I could live with myself. There would forever be something missing, a constant pain from your absence. Before I continue: Do you agree? Do you love me the same way?”_

_At Sam’s hesitant nod – not hesitant because he’s unsure of his love for Cas, but hesitant because he doesn’t know where his angel is going with this – Cas continues. “If we were ever in a situation where I had to decide between my life or yours, I would let you die. And here is why: Death is such a merciful choice when the other option is the loss of the one you love. I would rather you die and live on in Heaven than live the rest of your life here on Earth heartbroken. Am I making sense?”_

_Sam sits up to look at Cas properly. There is not hurt in his expression, only calculation and, eventually, understanding. “What brought this up?” he asks, and Cas understands that Sam agrees with him._

_“It’s just one of the many things I have been thinking about recently.”_

_Sam accepts that answer and curls up with his angel once again._

                “You have a damn good way of showing it,” Dean bites through his teeth, forcing down a sob as he does. Dean’s response doesn’t quite pull Castiel back into reality. He still feels numb and disconnected. Oh, he’s not in denial of what happened, but he’s struggling to accept what he’s done as the right thing.

                “I don’t believe this is the time nor the place to be having this conversation,” he replies distantly, tilting his head in the general direction of Sam’s – _no_. He shakes his head. It’s not Sam’s body lying there. It is an empty shell. A vessel for a human soul that no longer needs it. It is not Sam’s any more.

                _“There is no good time or place for this conversation,”_ Sam had laughed humourlessly. Cas can hear it clear as day, even though it was said a year ago, give or take. He hopes his memories of Sam will always remain as crisp and clear.

                _“But every year I live, every birthday I have . . . the chances of me dying are getting higher and higher.”_

_“That is not something that occurs due to random chance,” Cas replied._

_“That’s not the point, Cas! The point is . . . we’re in over our heads here. And what you said about dying for me – or, rather, not dying for me, I guess . . . I want that to mean something, ya know? I don’t just want it to be a conversation we had once upon a time.”_

_“What are you saying?” Castiel asked, although he knew exactly what Sam was asking of him._

_“Cas . . . if it ever comes down to a choice – my life or yours – I want you to die for me. I know it’s asking a lot,” he laughed drily, “To have you basically commit suicide for me. But please, Cas. Please. You have to promise me.”_

_“Sam . . . I’m not sure that’s something I can do.” Not because he wants to live for his own sake, but because Sam has already suffered enough in his life, already lost too many loved ones. He refused to be the cause of any more suffering._

_“Promise me, Cas,” Sam pressed, digging his fingernails into Cas’s shoulders, and Cas knows that Sam will not relent until he knows that Cas is willing to give his life for him, and all its implications._

_Castiel swallowed the lump that had risen in his throat – tears or bile, he wasn’t sure, but he knew it hurt more than anything to force out the words “I promise, Sam.”_

Dean was fully crying now and had let go of Cas’s coat. Of course, it was only to free his hands so he could deliver a punch to Castiel’s face.

                “I have never,” Dean began lowly, dangerously, “ _Never_ in my life heard my baby brother beg like that. “He was begging to live. Goddammit, Cas, he’s done nothing but beg to die for the past ten goddamn years, and the one time he begs for life, you take it away from him.” Dean clicks his tongue, his lips turned upwards in a smirk that holds no mirth as he delivers another punch, and another, and still more until Castiel is laying on the ground, bleeding and looking up at Dean passively. He’s half hoping Dean will kill him too so he can join Sam in Heaven.

                “What, you’ve got nothing to say now?” Dean practically shouts, his voice echoing and each repetition hitting Castiel like a stab in the chest. Dean kicks him there, and it’s less painful than the heartbreak he feels.

                Because he can’t explain to Dean his promise to his little brother. He can’t convince him that letting Sam die was the right thing to do. He can’t say that Sam wasn’t begging for his life – he was begging for Castiel’s death.

                No, Dean will never forgive him for what he’s done.

                But even worse, Castiel will spend the rest of his life debating with himself – letting Sam die was the selfless thing to do, the right thing, even if it did break their promise. But damn does the numbness where his heart used to be hurt. Maybe he should have followed through with their deal and let himself die. Sam would follow soon enough, either of his own accord or someone else’s.

                But no. As Dean leaves Cas bleeding and broken on the ground to collect what he recognises as his little brother’s body, Castiel knows that, of all the numerous ways he has hurt Sam and let him down, this was by far the worst offense.


End file.
